Wednesday, October 1, 2014

On the Road Again

In April 2012 I traveled to Namibia with a pregnancy test and a package of maxi pads in my suitcase. I wasn't sure which I would be needing, but I was prepared either way. On Easter, I peed on the stick in a camping area toilet at Etosha National Park. The test was positive. You were on your way, cells dividing as I rode around the park watching wildlife. I texted a cryptic message home to your dad. I wrote a postcard to him with a cheetah cub on the front. A new cub was coming.

Here I am, back on the continent where I was traveling when I first learned you were coming. Over two years later, and this time in northern Africa. There have been many tears on this trip. As I got reacquainted with my solo-traveling self, I remembered who I was, who I used to be. I've also had to admit that I've changed since your death, your birth, and these two years of grief. I won't run through all the differences, but overall, I am less happy out here in the world alone these days. I want my tribe surrounding me. I crave the blessed, exhausting chaos of my life at home over the time to think and reflect, the opportunity to observe the world. I'm counting the days until I get home and I will think carefully about leaving my nest voluntarily again anytime soon. I wonder if this would be true anyway. I wonder how much of this is growing fully into my motherhood, and how much is motherhood after loss. I don't suppose I'll ever know.

10 comments:

  1. I've just happened across your blog today and wanted to offer my sympathy on the loss of your daughter. I have lost two babies now - the first at 19 weeks, the second just last month at 13 weeks. I've found much comfort and support in blogging and in reading the stories of others. Peace and strength <3

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  2. Thanks so much. I popped over to your blog. I'm so sorry about your babies. it is just so hard, all of it. I'm sorry for all that you've been through and I'm sending peace and strength right back to you. XO

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  3. Always glad to read your entries. What are you doing in Africa?! What an adventure... But yes, I can see how it would be tempered by motherhood, and loss, and motherhood after loss. Hard to revisit those places that hold our memories of the gone ones...

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    1. Hi Molly! I was checking out a new site for a program that my university runs. I was in Morocco this time. It was a great trip, but fraught with so many memories of 2.5 years ago. I thought of Chiara even more than my living kids at home. She was just so present. How are you? I've missed your posts. XO

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  4. I so get this feeling of wanting your tribe around you. I feel that way exactly. For me, I think it is stronger after loss. When E was a toddler, before A died and was born, I travelled for work quite a bit and though I missed E, I loved being away on my own. Now, I don't enjoy it the same way. I feel like I am not where I belong. I hope the trip you are on now fulfills you as much as it can.

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    1. I'm now back with the tribe for 3 weeks and canceling things to be together more. I think that I am different now. I hope to get back to the me that is happy solo traveling again someday, but for now, being within arm's reach is where it is at. On the road, I felt exactly how you said, that I wasn't where I belonged. It used to be the opposite. XO

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  5. 'I wonder how much of this is growing fully into my motherhood, and how much is motherhood after loss. I don't suppose I'll ever know.'

    I often wonder this myself -such a fascinating, sad puzzle. I remember somebody telling me that I would have changed anyway, when the twins were born. It annoyed me at that time but now I see the truth in it. I often wonder what she would have been like, that mother with all her children alive. I also feel just so . . . . different. Like somebody came, scooped out my contents and replaced them with something entirely different.

    Less happy out here in the world alone these days - most certainly.

    Just the other day I found my mother's diary of her trip to Namibia, she was there when I found I was expecting twins and I recently found that entry. She related all that she had seen but said that she couldn't sleep for thinking of my news. Such a beautiful country and your Chiara was there. I hope that you found some peace on your recent trip to North Africa x


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  6. Hi Catherine, your words about a fascinating, sad puzzle were right on. We'll never know for sure, but it's impossible not to wonder how it might have been to be a mom who didn't know this loss. I even had 2+ years with our first son, so I should know how I felt, but it all has drifted together into who I am now. There's no separating it.

    Your note about your Mom's diary from Namibia has echoed in my head over and over again, "such a beautiful country, and your Chiara was there". She was there, she was living and growing, and I was so excited. It is so painful to remember, so hard to believe it ever occurred. I loved your words, though. They made my heart glad, And I love that your Mom was there and imagining you, and the babies you were carrying. I love that you have her diary and have been able to read about it. XO

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  7. Dear Aurelia, I came across your blog today and want to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. And how much I relate to not enjoying being out in the world so much any longer. yes yes and yes. Blessings to you and your family. My daughter's name is also Aurelia.

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  8. Hi S, Thanks for reading and taking a moment to comment. I'm sorry that you know this road, too. I love that your daughter's name is Aurelia. XO

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