Three States of Mind

I'm experiencing three states of mind these days, 5 and 1/2 weeks after losing Chiara. Here's what they feel like:

1) Primal screaming/sobbing: this is the vise-like grip around my chest, squeeze all the air out of me, Babylost Mama at her most alone. I scream or mumble, sob and cry. I am not really thinking, more just being overcome by the rushing tide of my own emotions. This is happening a couple of times a day. I walk for an hour every morning in the dark before work. Most of my walks are spent in this state. I wake to this state a few mornings a week. Other times it catches me off guard, in the middle or at the end of the day.

2) Functioning, with a backdrop: this is when I am functioning, but there a background story playing in my head. The first weeks it was a scrolling electronic marquee, "dead baby, dead baby, dead baby, " and on and on. These days it is more of a voice saying, "My baby, MY baby, MY baby,". I can do things, pay bills, answer emails, sit in a meeting, shuffle things around, but I am not very effective. This is the state I am in most often.

3) Functioning, no backdrop: I have the shortest snippets of this experience. For a few moments I am not sobbing, and there is no marquee scrolling, no voice reminding me. I am engaged in whatever task is at hand. It's a very small part of my daily experience right now.

I marvel at the different qualities of my grief. The first two weeks were just constant with re-working the entire experience of my pregnancy and loss over and over again. Any reminder of my pregnant days brought on the primal screaming/sobbing. Everything hurt, all the time. Now there is much more of the middle state, but the primal still sneaks in multiple times a day.

I am no stranger to grief. I lost my Dad when I was 31, he was 56. He had Alzheimer's. I've also lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, and several friends. I thought I knew something about grief. None of my previous experiences prepared me for this loss. I miss my little girl.