Friday, September 21, 2012

Three States of Mind

I'm experiencing three states of mind these days, 5 and 1/2 weeks after losing Chiara. Here's what they feel like:

1) Primal screaming/sobbing: this is the vise-like grip around my chest, squeeze all the air out of me, Babylost Mama at her most alone. I scream or mumble, sob and cry. I am not really thinking, more just being overcome by the rushing tide of my own emotions. This is happening a couple of times a day. I walk for an hour every morning in the dark before work. Most of my walks are spent in this state. I wake to this state a few mornings a week. Other times it catches me off guard, in the middle or at the end of the day.

2) Functioning, with a backdrop: this is when I am functioning, but there a background story playing in my head. The first weeks it was a scrolling electronic marquee, "dead baby, dead baby, dead baby, " and on and on. These days it is more of a voice saying, "My baby, MY baby, MY baby,". I can do things, pay bills, answer emails, sit in a meeting, shuffle things around, but I am not very effective. This is the state I am in most often.

3) Functioning, no backdrop: I have the shortest snippets of this experience. For a few moments I am not sobbing, and there is no marquee scrolling, no voice reminding me. I am engaged in whatever task is at hand. It's a very small part of my daily experience right now.

I marvel at the different qualities of my grief. The first two weeks were just constant with re-working the entire experience of my pregnancy and loss over and over again. Any reminder of my pregnant days brought on the primal screaming/sobbing. Everything hurt, all the time. Now there is much more of the middle state, but the primal still sneaks in multiple times a day.

I am no stranger to grief. I lost my Dad when I was 31, he was 56. He had Alzheimer's. I've also lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, and several friends. I thought I knew something about grief. None of my previous experiences prepared me for this loss. I miss my little girl.


  1. Here by way of Glow - wanted to tell you that I am reading here, quietly,

    and remembering Chiara Astra,

    your clear, bright star.

    No wonder you miss her more than any words, ever, could say.

    I am so sorry.

    Cathy in Missouri

  2. Hi Cathy,

    When you first wrote this, I hadn't figured out how to comment on my own blog yet. I've since learned! Thank you so much for your kind message and for reading my blog. I'm very new to this and it feels a little weird to put such personal things out into the ether, but it is helping me as I work through Chiara's loss.