Since you left I’ve become a public crier. The first months
after you died I walked every morning in the dark, in snow, in rain, whatever.
I walked as fast as I could and sobbed and I listened to music. I walked
through my neighborhood and on trails near my house. I cried out. I was not
quiet. I cried in the car, on the way to work, sitting in the parking lot at
work, at the gym, in my office, with the door closed, on my way to my car each
night with sunglasses on, at the grocery store, in airports and on planes, and
pretty much anywhere. I would talk to myself, talk to you. I really did not
care who saw me or what they thought.
This has continued. 22 months later, I
walk a different neighborhood, I drive a different car, planes take me to
different places, and still I cry. Not so much as in the beginning, but still with force and consistency. At this moment I am sitting in the back of a
plane, in the very last row of the plane. I am the only one in the row. I am
thinking of you and I am overcome. I am sobbing on the plane. I do not care who
can see me. The jets drown out my noise. The flight attendant offering
beverages gives me extra napkins to wipe my tears. She makes a sympathetic
face. I am grateful. I am still crying, but I am grateful. Grateful for the
napkins, for her kindness, for the empty seats beside me, for the loud jet
engines, for the memories of you.
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