Monday, June 23, 2014

Stillbirth Summit 2014

All the stars for our beloved babies, hanging in the lobby of the conference venue. A beautiful reminder of why we were gathered together.

I am returning home from the Stillbirth Summit 2014. I traveled to Minnesota to participate in the final day of sessions, geared towards parental bereavement. I hated to miss the medical sessions the first two days, but I’d already made a professional commitment by the time I learned of the summit. So, I left home for Denver, CO on Thursday, presented at a conference in Denver on Friday, and then flew to MN Friday night. I got in very late and didn’t sleep well. I woke in the morning with enough time to pump milk for my 1-year old, shower, and head out. I sobbed in the shower that morning like I did back in the early days after we lost Chiara. I was nervous and excited to attend, to meet other parents, to hear the presentations and spend a day focused on learning more about stillbirth and strategies to reduce its occurrence and to support bereaved families.

The conference was excellent. I deeply regret not being there for the entire event. Coming late to any event means missing out on the forming of the community that starts at the beginning. I felt a little like an outsider throughout the day I attended, having not had time to meet people over the first two days. If I am able to attend again (they are already planning for 2017!), I will try to be there the entire time.

Throughout the day, there were 10 different sessions, with topics ranging from participatory research (thanks, Still Life Canada!), to the benefits of exercise for bereaved mothers, to an excellent (albeit too short) writing workshop, to research on bereaved grandparents and siblings, and more. Each session was introduced by a bereaved family member, in honor of their baby/babies. This was very grounding and meaningful, a powerful way to incorporate the dear children that the conference is all about.

I found myself in tears throughout the day, and tried hard to breathe deeply and maintain composure. It was impossible. I know I wasn’t the only person who broke down throughout the day, but I was very surprised at how affected I was. At 22 months out, I do not cry every day anymore. The opportunity to be present with other grieving parents, to be visible as the parent of a child who was stillborn, was pretty overwhelming. At lunch, I was talking with some other participants and one asked me if I was a parent or a practitioner. I stumbled for a moment, “I’m parent, a bereaved parent”. This is just not a hat I get to wear in public very often. I think even my closest friends and family forget this part of my identity these days. To get to be visible as Chiara’s Mom for an entire day was a gift.

I left the conference at the memorial service and drove back to my hotel, sobbing all the way home. I pumped my milk for my rainbow babe. I sobbed some more. I went to bed. I have a checklist of things I want to do when I return home, from talking with my own Mom about Chiara, to calling my legislators about supporting bereavement leave as part of FMLA, to trying to connect with others who are working on legislation to improve services to families after a baby is stillborn, and to improve data collection on the incidence and causes of stillbirth. I am so glad that I attended the Stillbirth Summit 2014. I plan to seek out other opportunities to connect with other bereaved parents, work to advance research to prevent future stillbirths, and to increase awareness of stillbirth. In this way, I will continue to parent the memory of my daughter, my precious girl. Thank you to the Star Legacy Foundation, and all of the staff, board, researchers, practitioners, parents, grandparents, and everyone else who made this important event happen. I'm already looking forward to 2017!

The altar at the Memorial Service end of the Summit


  1. What a beautiful post! I am the grandmother who presented on Saturday. I love your phrase "parent the memory." I frequently refer to parenting the legacy of our precious babies.

    Nina Bennett, Maddy's Grammy

  2. Hi Nina! I'm so glad that you liked the post! I LOVED your presentation. Your book, Forgotten Tears, a Grandmother's Journey Through Grief, was sold out at the conference bookstore when I went to pick it up. I've ordered a copy for my Mom.

    One of the items on my to-do list as I returned home was to have a conversation with my Mom about Chiara and ask her if she'd like to see our pictures, hear the story of Chiara's birth. While my Mom has been enormously supportive, I think it has been very hard for her to ask questions, and very hard for her to see how our grief has impacted us. Your presentation helped me think about her, and her grief, and how I'd like to share more of the story with her, if she's ready.

    Thanks for your note, and for your work. It's so nice to connect after this conference. I'm finding I can't stop thinking about all that I learned, about all that I want to do to follow up on that learning. It's a bit of a culture shock to come back to the real world again!