Someone will always be missing

We're back at our summer place for the first time since losing Chiara last year. The last time we were here she was alive and inside me. I was sick as a dog and could barely get off the couch. Swimming in the ocean was the inky thing that brought me any relief. I was basically useless. A few weeks later, everything came apart and we lost our girl. I couldn't come back here after that, couldn't face our little group if island folks, couldn't answer any questions, feel any of the pity people would have for us, I was still feeling so strongly that Chiara's death was my fault. That I somehow caused it.  I was afraid others would see that, would know instantly that I was to blame. 

A little over a year later and we ste back here. We've shared this weekend with good friends and our new baby boy and 3 year old. Everyone has been so good and its been lovely, but I am still so sad. Someone is missing. My girl should be a round and chubby 8 month old, sitting up and making noises. Eating sand and watching her older brother swim. Instead I nurse a new baby boy, 3 months old, who would not, could not be here if his sister hadn't died. I love him. I miss her. I want both. I'm reminded of Elizabeth McCracken's quote, "it's a happy life, but someone is missing, someone will always  be missing". Someone will always be missing.